I went out to buy a birthday card for my nephew and apparently wandered into the luxury-goods department.
Nine dollars.
For a greeting card.
Not a greeting card with a tiny employee inside who sings “Happy Birthday.” Not a greeting card made of truffles. Not a greeting card that turns into a small condominium.
Paper. Folded paper. Nine dollars.
The $9 Birthday Card Problem
I was shopping for a card for my nephew, and I found one priced at $9. That is the entire factual foundation for this rant. I am not claiming every greeting card in America costs nine bucks. I am saying I personally met one that did, and I have not emotionally recovered.
At some point, the greeting-card industry apparently decided a folded piece of cardstock should cost roughly the same as an actual lunch.
And for a kid?
Has a child ever opened a birthday card and whispered, “Finally. Premium paper stock.”
No. They are living in a world of YouTube, memes, instant messages and videos of cats falling off furniture. The card is not the main event. The card is paperwork attached to the event.
I May Be Using Greeting Cards Incorrectly
I also have a habit of picking cards in other languages or with wildly mismatched themes just to keep my wife guessing what, exactly, we are celebrating.
Spanish birthday card? Sure. Religious card for an occasion that is not remotely religious? Why not. I like a little administrative confusion with my affection.
The kid is still mastering English anyway. I am reasonably confident a cheerful “feliz cumpleaños” is not going to trigger an international incident.
A Postcard Is Starting to Look Pretty Good
At nine dollars, I start doing math nobody should have to do in the greeting-card aisle.
Could I buy a postcard? Could I write “Happy birthday, kiddo” on an index card? Could I simply point at an emoji and say the sentiment is implied?
I understand the value of a nice card. I understand the ritual. I understand that somebody wrote the joke, somebody designed the thing, somebody printed it and somebody put it on a shelf.
I also understand that it is still paper, and my nephew is not conducting a forensic examination of the cardstock weight.
Then CVS Ruined My Entire Argument
Just as I was mentally preparing a full economic summit on why greeting cards are too expensive, I checked my CVS points.
I had enough to get the card for free.
So after all that outrage, all that principle, all that brave standing up to Big Greeting Card, I took the free $9 card and left.
My convictions are apparently worth exactly nine dollars in CVS points.